Sages of Stupidity, Shenanigans, and Chicanery
by TempleMaster17
Summary: Check out the totally revamped Sages. The same old randomness, but with a bold new flavor! And none of that silly self insertion stuff this time, I promise!
1. The Saga Begins Again

Under the assumption that this would have eventually be found and removed, and with the intention of preventing that, this marks the beginning of the conversion of this fic into paragraph form. As a pseudo-unifying device intended to justify the total randomness of the chapter content, I've introduced a new aspect (I won't insult your intelligence by trying to fool you into thinking it's a plot) to the story.

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-Disclaimer: I don't own anything- 

**Chapter One: A New Beginning…Again**

Link, Romani, and King Zora were sitting quietly, the glow of the bonfire playing on their faces.

"Who's got marshmallows?" Link asked dejectedly, breaking the perfect silence.

"Not me," replied the Zora King. "Romani?"

The latter shook her head.

Suddenly, with much scuffling of dainty, slippered feet, Princess Zelda arrived on the scene. She looked less than pleased. "Why," she demanded, "_do you have a BONFIRE going inside my castle?_"

Romani shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. Felt like it."

"It just seemed like the thing to do at the time," Link contributed.

"Guards!" Zelda shrieked.

Link winced. "Great. _Those_ bozos."

The guards clattered into view. "You called me, Princess?" Guard One asked.

"No, you fool," whispered Guard Two to his partner, smoothing his hair as he did so, "she called _me_."

"Actually," smirked Guard One, "it was, in fact, _me_ whom the lovely Prin_cess_ sent for."

Guard Two clenched a mailed fist. "_It was me!_" he hissed.

With a challenging stare at Guard Two, Guard One pulled off his gauntlet and threw it to the floor. "Let's settle this," he grated.

"Make my day," retorted Guard Two as he also removed a gauntlet and tossed it to the ground. "Best fifty-one of a hundred and one?"

"Of course," Guard One agreed as he and Guard Two began to circle one another. An epic and ferocious bout of Rock-Paper-Scissors commenced.

Zelda sighed. "I'm surrounded by idiots…"

Link grinned his most winsome grin- which, if the lady Zelda fans out there are to be believed, was pretty winsome. "Except for me, right? Riiiiiight?"

"_Especially_ you, Link," Zelda corrected.

"Speaking of Link," Link said, brightening, "he told me to ask if you'd go out with him."

Romani's eyes began to cross from confusion at this point.

Zelda considered the proposition. "Well," she concluded, "okay."

Link blinked at her. "That was unexpected," he mused.

Zelda giggled her most despicable, cutesy princess giggle. "Wasn't it?"

"Say," Link said. "Maybe that means the Sacred Realm will let me in now!"

He was confronted by the blank stares of all present, sans the two guards who were still locked in their grim Rock-Paper-Scissors duel. The score at this point, for those curious minds out there, was 3-1 in favor of Guard Two.

Link heaved a sigh. He imagined that it was the sigh to end all sighs, but we all know how those _(insert noun) to end all (insert plural form of same noun)_ tend to turn out. "Okay, okay," he said reluctantly. "Here's the part where I relieve your conveniently contrived ignorance for the sake of the readers. I kind of want to get into the Sacred Realm and poke around a little bit, right? I mean it's the freaking Sacred Realm for goddesses' sakes. It's _gotta_ be nice. Anyway, it was being moody and said it would only let me in if I could get Zelda to date me. Now I've done that, which got me to thinking that perhaps it would let me in."

Without warning (a characterization that can be applied to many of the actions taken by the characters in this fic), Mido came running into the room. This would have been no cause for concern among the others had he not been screaming in a manner that indicated that, were it not obvious that he was in the middle of Hyrule Castle, he might have been in the process of turning into a light snack for Volvagia.

"What's the matter with you, twerp?" Link asked, about as sympathetically as an atom bomb. Mido ignored this and proceeded to run laps around the Rock-Paper-Scissors spectacle (4-3, Guard One).

"Will somebody please deck him?" Romani asked sweetly.

"_It would be my pleasure!_" rumbled Darunia, after unceremoniously crashing through a wall.

Zelda, mildly upset by this turn of events, promptly slapped the Goron chieftain full in the face. "Goon," she muttered.

Darunia began to tear up, but King Zora decided to head him off. "Shut up," he snapped.

Darunia's tears ceased, only to be replaced by rage. More than a little intimidated, Mido fell to his knees and began a rather pathetic effort to sway Darunia's anger. This involved substantial use of the fetal position and various sickeningly obsequious supplications.

Always one who knew just the right thing to do in tense situations, the Princess removed one of her slippers and began mauling her little toe. "My little toe itches," she explained to those interested, which until she spoke had been no one at all.

Again came an agonizing wave of blank stares, this time directed at Zelda.

"What?" she wanted to know, and was immediately met with the maniacal laughter that had replaced the now-obsolete blank stares. Seeing that it would be quite some time before a straight answer would be offered, and realizing with unusual foresight that this answer would not be pleasing to her, Zelda decided to amuse herself as best she could by watching the two guards' heated Rock-Paper-Scissors contest. Taken aback by the sheer excitement of the match (which was now tied at eight apiece), she promptly fell asleep.

Some time later, after much hushed laughter and practical joking, the others woke Zelda up.

"Morning," Link grinned at her.

"Cheater!" yelled Guard One, who by a run of terrible luck was now down 27-10. No one but Guard Two paid this any mind, however.

"Link," Zelda began, her seventh sense screaming to her that something was wrong (the sixth one being devoted to the seeing of dead people), "what did you do?"

"Do?" Link asked in a manner that he meant to smack of innocence but instead did quite the opposite. "Whatever do you mean, Princess?"

Zelda warily approached the full-length vanity mirror that was conveniently located on one of the walls. Her apprehension was increased and justified by the fact that all those present, excluding the guards (30-15, Guard Two), were following her in such a way as to see what her reaction would be when she saw her reflection.

To her credit, Zelda took it rather well. First she screamed at the top of her lungs for thirty seconds straight. Then she began throwing anything that came to hand at anyone within her range of vision. When she ran out of ammunition she screamed again, and tore off to her room.

"Well," Link said, nursing the shoulder that moments before had been struck by a rather festive potted plant, "who says great things can't be achieved with red dye and a sharpie?"

Darunia grinned his agreement.

"Hey Link, what about the Sacred Realm?" Romani's words scattered the post-prank euphoria the group had been enjoying.

"Oh yeah!" Link whooped, and took off for the Temple of Time with the rest doing their level best to keep up.

This left Guard One and Guard Two alone in whichever particular room of the castle the happy crew had, until recently, occupied. Things were looking grim for Guard One, who was now losing 35-17.

Just as Guard Two was scoring his thirty-seventh point, Link entered the Temple of Time. The others, minus Zelda, arrived when Guard One triumphantly hit twenty. Link was already in conversation with what appeared to be the air at this point.

"But you said that you'd let me in once I got Zelda to go out with me!" he was protesting.

"Well," said the air, which was actually the Sacred Realm, "I discovered that I rather like the idea of setting you random and trivial tasks, and so I've developed quite a list. Once you've completed the entire list, I'll let you in."

Link swore quite loudly at some length.

"Kiss your mother with that mouth?" mocked the Sacred Realm.

"My mother is dead," Link replied quietly.

"Oh sure, that's what they all say, just to make you feel bad when you crack a _yo momma_ joke."

"No, seriously. She's dead."

"Sure, sure. Is_ she_ aware of this?"

"You're sick. Just tell me what my next random and trivial task is."

"One sec…I have to check the list. Hmmmm…it seems a visit to the dentist is in order, Link!"

Link heaved a heavy sigh, noting that his last one had not been the sigh to end all sighs as he had imagined, in his naïveté. "Great," he muttered. "The dentist. Watch it turn out to be Ganon…"

An hour and a half later, Guard Two finally scored the fifty-first point of the terrible savagery that was the Rock-Paper-Scissors duel, much to the dismay of Guard One, who had rallied and tied the score at forty-nine before losing the next two rounds. By this time, however, they had completely forgotten the reason for which they had been battling and were friends again, which had been the whole idea in the first place.

**-F I N-**

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So, what say you, fellow fan-fictioneers? Improvement? I certainly think so. Some chapters are going to be cut out altogether, as they just don't lend themselves well to this converted, self-insertion-less new face. Leave me a review, s'il vous plaït. 


	2. The Dentist

For the record, it should be noted that this was _not_ taken down by FFN- see the publish date. I felt that the first eighteen chapters were utter garbage, so I decided to tear it all down and rebuild it. Script format isn't allowed anymore anyway. Thus, here is the new chapter two, rising gloriously from the ashes of its predecessor.

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-Disclaimer: I don't own anything, as per usual-

**Chapter Two: The Dentist**

The following morning saw Link and Zelda alone in yet another random room of the castle. They had been celebrating their new status as a couple the evening before, and Zelda had a few things to say about that.

"Hey Link?"

"Yeah?"

"You know how the Sacred Realm said you should visit a dentist as your next random task?"

Link had a bad feeling about where this conversation was going. It was about the same kind of feeling he would have gotten if he had been on a train that was clearly about to crash, and he had just as much power to stop the conversation as he would have the hypothetical train.

"Well," Zelda continued, "that really might not be such a bad idea. I mean-"

"I get the picture," Link interrupted.

"I know," Zelda said, brightening. "We'll take everyone along! For moral support," she added, seeing the dubious look on the hero's face.

Link had several thoughts on what Zelda could do with her moral support, but he wisely kept them to himself. He twiddled his thumbs in aggravation. He twiddled them most furiously.

While Link was venting his frustration, Zelda used her sagely powers to send out a quick invite to the Ocarina of Time cast, minus Ganondorf who was, by all accounts, dead, and plus Romani, who was fun to have along because she was the spitting image of Malon, and this annoyed Malon greatly.

"Everyone," she announced when all were present, "we're going to the dentist today!"

Not a few faces in the small crowd became confused.

"Why are we going to the dentist?" Ruto inquired, giving voice to this confusion.

"Oh yes, that's right. I'd forgotten that some of you weren't here yesterday. You see, Link really wants to get into the Sacred Realm, but it's being rather moody and refuses to allow him in until he's completed a list of highly whimsical, random tasks. The most recent of these is a trip to the dentist."

"I see," said Ruto. "And why are _all_ of us going?"

"Moral support, of course!" Zelda explained. These four words did not go over particularly well. Seeing this, Zelda amended, "And because I order it so, as Princess of Hyrule!"

This was not a particularly brilliant thing to say. However, after a good long while of heated debate, it was the tacit decision of those assembled that they would go just to get Zelda to shut the hell up.

"Are we going to a particular dentist," Saria wondered aloud, "or will just any dentist work?"

All eyes fell on Zelda, whose eyes in turn fell on Link, taking with them all the others.

"The Sacred Realm gave me this address," Link supplied, holding up a business card, which read:

Sweet Ninja Dentistry  
666 Back Alley  
Hyrule Castle Market

The name "Sweet Ninja Dentistry" caused an excited murmur amongst our heroes. It was a murmur that drowned out the one feeble protest of Saria.

"Something about that address seems a little ominous to me, guys," she said uncertainly, but shrugged off her apprehension as her comment was totally ignored. She then proceeded to follow the rest of the group to the front gate of the castle.

The guard, who was apparently new on the job and intent on heroics, stopped them. "Identify yourselves!" he bellowed, at much greater volume than was strictly necessary.

"I am Princess Zelda, and I am escorting Link the Hero of Time to the dentist."

"How can I be sure you're the Princess?" the guard shot back. No Zelda impersonators would be unleashed on the town today, no siree. Not on his watch.

Zelda quite patiently showed him the back of her hand, which before it hit him in the side of the head he could see was shining with a little golden triangle.

Not to be deterred, the guard demanded to see her hand again, and for a longer period of time this go-around.

Not so patiently, Zelda held her fist up. It was only after he had studied the small, shining triangle at some length that the unfortunate guard noticed the lone finger held above it.

It was not that he was unused to such obscenity. He was a soldier. But something about seeing the Princess of Hyrule giving him the bird registered in his mind as fundamentally wrong, and he promptly went stark raving mad.

Darunia took this opportunity to seize the guard's spear and bang its blunt end on the ground. The gate opened.

The walk to the dentist was relatively short and almost totally uneventful, except for a brief moment when it appeared that a large quantity of bird droppings was about to collide with Link's head. The bird's aim was not true, however, and its excrement fell on the cobblestones in front of Link with a wet splat.

Moments later the small party found itself situated outside a small, dingy little hovel in the back alley of the market. Above the door in blood-red plastic were three numbers, all of which were six.

"I guess this is the place," Link said in a voice that distinctly lacked happiness or any synonymous emotion, and he entered in as unenthusiastic a gait as he could muster.

The interior of Sweet Ninja Dentistry was, to put it mildly, a slight shock to the senses. The lobby was mind-bogglingly large. Its floor and walls were polished obsidian. Several red velvet couches were artistically arranged around a ruby-red rug, upon which was a cast-iron coffee table fraught with magazines. In one corner stood an old clock, made of the darkest ebony, which seemed as though it had come right out of an Edgar Allan Poe tale.

Saria felt an almighty "I told you so" coming on.

Before she could unleash it, however, Ruto saw fit to butt in. "What kind of dentist would decorate his lobby like this?" She shuddered.

"Ganon," Link said, getting that train-wreck feeling again, only a little stronger this time.

"That would be incorrect!" came a mysterious voice on the until recently unnoticed P.A. system. It was a female voice.

"Most incorrect," agreed a second mysterious voice, male this time.

Link and company were slightly disturbed by this assessment, and justifiably so. Their unspoken question was answered moments later as a frighteningly normal looking man and woman entered from a nearly invisible door cut into the back wall of the lobby.

Just then, Zelda once more shed a royal slipper. "My little toe itches," she apologized, and proceeded to molest said toe vigorously.

The mystery man and woman shot her a pair of dirty looks for interrupting their eerie, dramatic entrance. Everyone else ignored her, their attention bent on discerning just what it was about these people that was so discomforting.

Finally it became clear. It was their eyes. They were horrible eyes. The kind of eyes that would never, by any stretch of the imagination, be associated with the word "sane." The kind of eyes that spoke of one too many chapters read in an economics textbook.

"Hi!" said the man. "My name is Tarin! This is Marin! We take turns doing the actual dental work, because that's the politically correct way to go about it! So," he continued energetically, "Who's first?"

"Hold the phone," Link interjected. "Weren't you two just part of a dream I had once?"

Tarin and Marin shrugged at the same time. Romani began to cry silently.

"Well?" Tarin demanded.

Link, being the brave, gallant hero that he was, began surreptitiously inching behind Darunia.

"Ah," said Marin maliciously, though strangely without the slightest hint of malice in her voice, "I see we have a volunteer. Come, Link!"

Relieved, the rest of the group adjourned to the couches. They did not share Link's curiosity as to how Marin knew his name.

Steeling himself, Link strode purposefully through the door Tarin was holding for him. "Bring it on," he said. It was the last thing the others would hear him say…

…For the next hour, after which time he returned with a glistening smile and minty-fresh breath (something to which Zelda could very accurately attest).

"That was easy!" he exulted. "You guys ready to go see what crazy stunt the Sacred Realm has lined up next?"

Somewhat taken aback by Link's total lack of grievous injuries and psychological scarring, his companions agreed rather dazedly.

They left Sweet Ninja Dentistry amidst waves and encouragements to come back from Tarin and Marin. On the way to the Temple of Time, Link pulled out a sword. It was not, however, his customary Master Sword, which still hung in its baldric across his back. It was a beautiful katana, and went a long way to explain the name of the dentist office. "Check it out," he gloated. "I got this for not having any cavities!"

"Sweet!" yelled the Skull Kid. "Can I touch it, Link?"

"Pipe down, half-pint. You'll poke your eye out, or worse, you'll poke _my_ eye out."

Skull Kid ran a highly disappointed lap around the group. When he had finished that, he ran another one, and then another. After he was done with the third one, though, they had arrived at the Temple of Time and it became necessary for him to behave.

"Hey, Sacred Realm!" Link called as he and his cohorts entered the temple.

"Oh, it's you."

"That's right. I went to the dentist like you said."

"Bully for you."

"So what's next?"

"You and your posse-"

"Excuse me?" Link jumped in. "Did you just say 'posse'?"

The Sacred Realm sighed, reminding Link once more that he had failed in his quest to sigh the sigh that would end all sighs. "You and your _friends_ must go to Death Mountain, which you will climb. At the top are a large number of bomb flowers. You will divide into two teams and race down the mountainside- rolling- with lit bomb flowers. The purpose of the bomb is to blow apart one of the two stones that will be at the bottom of the run, engraved with each team leader's picture. Whoever blows up the opposing team leader's picture first wins the round. The team that wins the most rounds wins. Got all of that?"

"No," Link replied, "but okay."

**-F I N-**

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Sorry about that ugly, lengthy paragraph there at the end, but it was somewhat necessary. Reviews would be very nice indeed. Anyone who can tell me specifically which Edgar Allan Poe tale the ebony clock came from will earn a good deal of respect from me. 


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